"Doctors spend a lot of time focused on the future"

"Doctors spend a lot of time focused on the future, planning it, working toward it. But at some point you start to realize your life is happening now. Not after med school, not after residency, right now. This is it. It’s here. Blink and you’ll miss it." - Grey's, Season 5 Now or Never

Its been an insane crazy year, and it's not getting any easier anytime soon - this senior planning stuff is tough! As a senior in college, I didn't have any of these fears/trepidations/worries... I knew I was going to be at Carey another year getting my pre-reqs in. So this is seriously a throw back to high school.... only now, it's not my dream - it's my reality. The exciting part of the last week was senior schedules coming out!!

July - Medicine SubI, UMC
August - NICU
September - Peds Wards/Externship/Residency App Due
October - Peds ER

(...deep breath...)
November - Review of Pharm/Interviews
December - Interviews, Holidays with the Fam (who knows when that'll happen again!)
January - Senior Radiology (a bit unexpected, but I'll take it... easy month, good experience)
February - Peds Surg
March - Peds GI/Match
April/May - Off/Graduation/Relocation

...Wow. Seriously, sometimes I think all I did was blink and it's over. Before the "fun" year gets to start though I've got 8.5 weeks to finish third year, bring a newborn puppy home, and take Step II CK and CS. No big deal.

I've got one nerve left, but I'm still loving life. Thanks, God, for your immeasurable blessings!!

Specialty decision

Late this week we received an email asking us our top three residency choices (so that they can assign our dean for dean's letter).

I wrote back: Pediatrics.

To which the non-medical person responded: I need three choices.

I wrote back: I suppose you can put OBGyn and Family if you really have to have two more, but the thought of anything else makes me unhappy.

To which she wrote back: You've got to have options in case you can't get in.

To which I thought: This isn't neurosurgery, folks.

Later, I came to the realization that she meant maybe "I couldn't get in" with the dean who normally does the peds letters. But the thought of spending my life doing anything BUT taking care of children? No thank you.

I'm a bonafide, certified, undeniable pediatrician-in-training. Give me stickers, suckers, and make me work for my ear exams any day. Keep your hypertension. I'm glad it takes all types to make the world go 'round, and I'm glad there's somebody out there who wants to be my doctor - cause I sure wouldn't. :)

Losses and New Beginnings...

It was a wonderful week when I brought LilaGrace home. Unfortunately after about five days, she started acting funny - like something was just really wrong. She was born with a soft spot in her head that we didn't know if it would close or not, but the vets all said just to keep a close watch on it. Long story short,she ended up with hydrocephalus progressed rapidly and her intracranial pressure was so high she had something of a constant really bad headache.

It was the saddest day ever when I had to put her down. But the most humane thing that could be done.
Immediately I knew to heal I needed another baby. I called the breeder and after crying together for a bit she told me there was a brandnew litter and I was of course to have pick of it.


Today I went and made my pick:

Elli Kate, mommy loves you already! Can't wait to get you home in about 5 weeks!

The Match; Intro to Neuro

The Match was Friday. Im so excited for my m4 buddies and looking forward to visiting many of them on the interview trail! Hard to believe it is time to start thinking that way, but less than one year until our Match now!!

The orientation for Neuro took less than thirty minutes and we were free to go do online modules and such. M and I got through with all of them (yes, all) by 1:30 PM and were able to spend the rest of the day playing online, reading, wasting time. Still one of my most productive days of the year. Haha.

Call tomorrow night. Neuro call will inherently be better than surgery call a)because I get to go home b)because there's no beeper and c)because it isn't surgery.

LilaGrace comes home Sunday. I can't wait to be a puppy mommy! 6 more nights until my little wiggle worm joins me. :)

Surgery is OVER!!!

Against all odds, against all instinct - we survive. Yes, we did. Board was this morning and the hell has officially ended.

Had a lovely long nap, about to enjoy some Mexican, and off to Easely Amused with the girls to paint "Striut". Life is good again. It didn't take long, just a little extra sleep and the knowledge that I'll never have to do that ever again.

LilaGrace comes home next weekend! :)

Becoming a doxie mommy

She's growing like a weed and wiggled right into my heart.
Home in 3 weeks. Meet Miss LilaGrace!

10 days, 13 hours, 43 minutes and 9 seconds until surgery is over!!!

Vascular, week one

Shockingly enough, I don't loathe vascular surgery as much as I thought I might. Granted I'm working more than I ever have in my life, but the first week wasn't so bad - I enjoyed some of the procedures and the attendings/fellow/residents let me do a ton of suturing/stapling. If nothing else, I'm a bit more involved over here. And blood isn't nearly as gross as poopoo (very medical term there).
I got Saturday off and was on call Sunday. Actually got a couple hours of sleep Sunday night in between stupid calls... The people of Jackson can be utterly brilliant. It's simultaneously amusing and sad. We got several Peds calls, so I ended up spending much of the early morning hours in the pER. I planned on being productive or at least human yesterday - but besides breakfast with a good friend I hadn't seen in a while, I was completely dead to the world as per usual post call.

The countdown continues. 15 days and one call left!!!

We're halfway there - oh, livin' on a prayer...

Surgery is officially halfway over. The Bon Jovi song from my favorite chief resident's playlist only seemed an appropriate title.

Today, I received my radiation badge. Sounds like the beginning of a slow nightmare. On the upside, we found out this week that we're taking our board a day early so we can participate in Match Day activities with our buddies if we'd like. Heck yea. I'm looking forward to being an observer in the process so I can be slightly less/more freaked out about this time next year.

I have to round in the morning, but my sister, brother in law, and nephew are coming into town tonight and I'm super excited. Can't wait for some baby slobber and my late Valentine's date! A weekend of normalcy? Yesplease!

Monday brings with it vascular surgery, but it is 26 days, 13 hours, 26 minutes, 52 seconds until Thursday, March 15, 2012 at 9:00:00 AM. Come on, day 27! it's beginning to look like I might actually survive this...

For once in my life, I'm speechless (a week of sorrow)

Yes, me. Speechless. I've been thinking I needed to update the blog for a while, but haven't had the right words. It's been a really not-fun week.

Last weekend, while on trauma call, I lost my great-grandmother. 89 beautiful, happy years. 26 years of memories of her by my side. And then she was gone. We knew it was coming as she's been ill for about the last three weeks.. and it was a very peaceful, happy, pain-free death. I still haven't completely processed it and don't know when I will. It's hard to be sad when you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that a person is happier and better off in heaven. Especially after leading a good, full life. But on the other hand - it's hard not to be when you miss someone. I missed the funeral Tuesday. First time in my life I've missed a funeral for a family member. I thought about asking off, but decided I didn't know where I'd want to be (with dad at the funeral or with mom at home) and I was too exhausted to figure it out. I decided to take today instead, when I could likely see them both in the same place.

Two days later, I got the news that one of my mom's corneal transplants had rejected and she'd be needed an emergency transplant. The following day - that the transplant had to be put on hold because there was bacteria in the cultures (and the eye has to be completely clean before the transplant). It puts her in a state of limbo and a lot of pain, neither of which I'm a fan of. We could use your prayers.

And yesterday, I witnessed one of the worst experiences of my medical career thus far. Surgery hasn't been for me from the beginning, but that solidified any thought I had of possibly thinking it was "ok for now". It's just too high risk and too alwaysstressful. To me there's a difference in a patient's life in your hands (over an antibiotic you prescribed) and a patient's life in your hands (because they're gutted open on an OR table). That, and if you guys didn't know before, I'm not a fan of adults.

This weekend I'm hoping to catch up on some sleep if I remember how, and break the funk to make it through another week or so without being completely miserable. At least it's almost time for the second half of the rotation - the only exciting thing about this is that it's the second half of the rotation. And the heavy lead I get to wear in the OR, which ups the chances of me passing out/throwing up/otherwise being kicked out :)

It is 34 days, 14 hours, 25 minutes, 40 seconds until the end of surgery. It cannot come a moment too soon.

5/24/13

Today was "Senior Planning Day". The title in itself is a little scary - and unbelievable. Where did the time go? Weren't we just getting our acceptance letters? Just started anatomy? Just smelling like formaldehyde?
In a blink it's three years later and it's time to apply for diplomas and cap and gown. Time to start thinking about senior scheduling. Time to think about away rotations, interviews, and a whole bunch of crazy that'll go down in the next 15 months. Time to start thinking about paying back all those loans (ugh).

Exciting? Very
Scary? A little
Enough information to make your head explode? Absolutely.

I enjoyed the day off surgery and sitting with my best friends, catching up with classmates, and preparing for our future. There are a lot of questions left, but a lot of things now answered... such as:
When is Match? March 22. I'll know where I'm spending the next few years.
When is graduation? May 24, 2013 folks. Mark your calendars. I'll be growing into a long coat then!

We start scheduling in a couple months. I'm tentatively looking at the following:
June - Step 2 CK (18th) and CS (25th)
July - Medicine Sub I
August - NICU
September - Peds ER
October - PICU
November - Review of Pharm or off completely
December - Interviews/Off
January - Peds Ambulatory Clinics/last interviews
February - Peds Surgery or Away Rotation
March - Peds GI
April - Off or Peds Surgery (if Away in Feb)
May - Off/GRADUATION.
June - Sleep
July 1 - Intern. Woah.


PS: It is 43 days, 16 hours, 1 minute, 12 seconds until the end of Surgery. Not that I'm counting. ;)

God's will

Over the last couple of weeks, I strongly questioned- even angered - at my surgery schedule? WHY God, why? You know what I want to do with my life, you know what I need to make me a stronger pediatrician...

And then I was on call Wednesday night, and it all became crystal clear. Due to this (horrible) set of surgery schedules, my call schedule worked out a certain way. I was on call for God when He, and some very special people in my life, needed me most. I was on call for the night when pediatric trauma and pediatric sadness was at an all time high.

And no matter what happens for the next seven weeks, I'll hush my mouth. Because indeed it was His plan to put me here at this time. And for me, in some small way, to make a difference for a very special family.

Thank you, God, for unexpected blessings. My heart aches for those who love you.

Things I've learned so far on surgery...

Things I'm grateful for:
1) Awesome parking
2) The 2 lbs I lost this week
3) The fact that I have two groupmates and therefore am not always in the OR

Things I've learned so far:
1)It's better to be seen and not heard
2)It's better to be seen only when absolutely necessary
3)The student lounge is a godsend
4)Studying no longer exists
5)Call is better than regular days - at least it's semi interesting
6)Perforated bowel ruined my "liking" of any open abdominal procedure
7)The student lounge is a godsend
8)Sleep is a very hot commodity
9)Everyone else is as miserable as me, which makes for a cathartic bitching enviroment, and once again proof that..
10) The student lounge is a godsend.

Week 1: ACS - phneumo medium spinum

Four days of surgery and one call down. I pretty much loathe every moment. But only 50 days to go.

Best case of call last night: a bravo - phneumo medium spinum.

Also known as "pneumomediastinum" for those of us who actually speak medicalese.

I think I'll go back to bed. Hang in there, groupmates.

The end of Peds... and scary new beginnings

Peds is officially over as of about 10:15 this morning. The last couple of weeks were good. I still prefer wards to clinic (but most people do). Good things about subspecialty week: ruled out a couple of things (endo/rheum), decided where I want to do my general clinic if I match at Batson. Saw some interesting cases, some well baby checks, and some sad things (I think I'll always have the "canikillthatparent" thought from time to time).

Last week I did heme/onc and procedures which was AWESOME. I liked the patient population (even heme more than I thought I would) and loved the LP/bone marrows/etc. Maybe I'll end up being a neonatal hematologist....?? At any rate, the whole rotation was a good experience and I'm already counting down (16 weeks) until I'm back.

Surgery rotation starts Monday. I was really upset when I first got my assignments, but I know everything happens for a reason and I've settled into more of a "understanding" role. I'm vowing here and now to find one good thing in every day (albeit the late morning coffee) for the next 8 weeks, to learn as much as I can, and to pray for it to pass quickly! Here's to new beginnings and more of those "experiences we'll never have again".

The "Last Holiday"

Christmas break was wonderful. It was the last time I'll get a scheduled holiday break off from school (except for June to study for Step 2) which is a little more than strange, considering I've been in school for... 22~ years. But all 'good' things must come to an end eventually.

Break was eaten up with lots of family time, including 2 nights and 3 days helping my sister with my favorite 6 month old. He's gotten SO big! We had a blast playing and catching up, but little man sure did miss his Daddy! After ten days, I headed back north. Unfortunately, the Christmas decorations had to come down right away this year - I just didn't think I'd want to waste one of my next couple quiet weekends and surgery rotation is quickly approaching.

Shortly after Christmas, I called the puppy breeder. There are several Doxie pups 'incubating' at this time, and I absolutely can't wait to get my hands on my little one in just a few months.

This week of peds was nursery, complete with NICU call. I love all of pediatrics, but my heart is still, and always be, with the tiniest miracles. What a blessing to spend a week with them. Only two more weeks left of pediatrics this year. But one week closer to M4 - and the real deal.

Happy Weekend, everybody!!

Christmas at Batson

Wards has been super fun the last few weeks. Yes, using the terms "wards" and "fun" in the same sentence should be highly frowned upon - blame it on the Christmas excitement!

Batson is happier than ever with Santa roaming around, lots of trees and decorations, Child Life with their never ending supply of Christmas decorations, and happy(er) nurses and doctors. On the other hand, it's bittersweet. It's always so sad to see kiddos in the hospital for Christmas. I remember how hard my pediatrician always tried to get us home. Whether I was completely ready or not, if I was on the mend, we were discharged Christmas Eve so we could have Christmas at home. I'm hoping we can "clean house" in the next few days for that same purpose.

Tomorrow is our last day on wards and our last call. It's bittersweet. I'm ready for a break, but I'm also finally in the routine/rhythm and really enjoying the rotation. I just don't want it to end. The bonuses: When I come back, it's a week of nursery (with my favorite attending on in the NICU, so I can spend my afternoons there!) followed by heme/onc and specialty clinics; it's thismuchcloser to fourth year (only 3 more rotations + elective stand in the way); and somehow, despite the crazy slowness of the day to day, it's that much closer to intern year.

Believe it or not, eventually I'm going to be a doctor. And that eventually is coming quicker than I imagined. Where did third year go? I'm not sure, but I'm not going to miss most of it too much. Just hope life slows waaaaay down for the "best year of our lives" coming up in July!

PS: Made surgery elective requests yesterday. Pray with me for Peds Surgery as my elective please!

General Peds

I'm having so much fun doing what I love every day, even when I'm tired at the end of it (and can't shake the runny nose/asthma cough/overall blah from Thanksgiving). I'm pretty sure I've run into the "peds crud". Even if it lasts for the next 2 years, I'm still in love with my chosen profession.

Soaking up every day, every wheeze, cough and cry. Learning as much as I can. Enjoying working with my team. And wishing it didn't have to end so soon!

In other news, I've finished Sam's very special Christmas present. I can't wait to spend the holidays with that little bugger this year! It's even more magical than usual having a little one around :)

I'm going to venture out and do a little shopping on my day off today. Hopefully I won't hurt anyone in the process.

'Tis the season to be wheezin'

I love peds. I love my new team (shoutout hemeoncdoc). I love my patients. And I especially love my attending, who was quoted with two awesome sayings today:

"Tis the season to be wheezin"

"I'm looking for the weasel, he's hiding in there!"

Asthma. Is. Everywhere. Or as my favorite intern says "Asthma is the hypertension of pediatrics".

Stuff in My White Coat: Part I

I cleaned out my coat to wash it this afternoon, and just for fun I thought I'd share my findings:



Included but not limited to: Critical Care Meds FastSheet, Antibiotic Coverage Guide, "The Maxwell", a penlight, "The Dinosaur" (reflex hammer and child distractor extraordinaire), my badge, my pediscope, two advil, some plastic tape (the only kind of "bandaid" your two year old can't get off faster than you get out of the office), a green pen, a black pen, a lapel pin.... keep diggin. I'm sure I've got what you need in there.

Thanksliving and Peds Palliative Care

The other night I saw on TV about a fairly new phenomenon that's becoming quite popular called "Thanksliving". In this event, the turkeys are the guests of honor, and they partake of a vegan Thanksgiving meal with the humans. A fascinating idea that is quite nice for our feathered friends, but unfortunately I like turkey way too much to celebrate Thanksgiving without it.

However, the title of the meal has really struck a chord with me as I started pediatric palliative care this week. I've been completely in love with the subspecialty. It's definitely something I feel my heartstrings tugging toward. In just three days I've really learned about "Thanksliving". It's not a day we celebrate so much as an attitude we should have (and these kids have) every single day. They wake up and celebrate just being alive. They find joy in simple things (today - turkey and homemade macaroni and cheese that the awesome nurses brought in because the kids' menu isn't built around holidays and last year they had hot dogs on thanksgiving). They belly laugh. They speak with their eyes, sing with their hearts, and pierce my soul.

And that's why from this day forward, I'll try to constantly be in a state of "Thanksliving". But I'll always have my turkey :)