For once in my life, I'm speechless (a week of sorrow)

Yes, me. Speechless. I've been thinking I needed to update the blog for a while, but haven't had the right words. It's been a really not-fun week.

Last weekend, while on trauma call, I lost my great-grandmother. 89 beautiful, happy years. 26 years of memories of her by my side. And then she was gone. We knew it was coming as she's been ill for about the last three weeks.. and it was a very peaceful, happy, pain-free death. I still haven't completely processed it and don't know when I will. It's hard to be sad when you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that a person is happier and better off in heaven. Especially after leading a good, full life. But on the other hand - it's hard not to be when you miss someone. I missed the funeral Tuesday. First time in my life I've missed a funeral for a family member. I thought about asking off, but decided I didn't know where I'd want to be (with dad at the funeral or with mom at home) and I was too exhausted to figure it out. I decided to take today instead, when I could likely see them both in the same place.

Two days later, I got the news that one of my mom's corneal transplants had rejected and she'd be needed an emergency transplant. The following day - that the transplant had to be put on hold because there was bacteria in the cultures (and the eye has to be completely clean before the transplant). It puts her in a state of limbo and a lot of pain, neither of which I'm a fan of. We could use your prayers.

And yesterday, I witnessed one of the worst experiences of my medical career thus far. Surgery hasn't been for me from the beginning, but that solidified any thought I had of possibly thinking it was "ok for now". It's just too high risk and too alwaysstressful. To me there's a difference in a patient's life in your hands (over an antibiotic you prescribed) and a patient's life in your hands (because they're gutted open on an OR table). That, and if you guys didn't know before, I'm not a fan of adults.

This weekend I'm hoping to catch up on some sleep if I remember how, and break the funk to make it through another week or so without being completely miserable. At least it's almost time for the second half of the rotation - the only exciting thing about this is that it's the second half of the rotation. And the heavy lead I get to wear in the OR, which ups the chances of me passing out/throwing up/otherwise being kicked out :)

It is 34 days, 14 hours, 25 minutes, 40 seconds until the end of surgery. It cannot come a moment too soon.