Enjoy the time you have before the news comes...

"They say ignorance is bliss because once you know about the tumor or the prognosis, you can’t go back. Will you be strong or will you fall apart? It’s hard to predict so don’t worry about it. Enjoy the time you have before the news comes. Yep, ignorance is bliss."

Tomorrow surgery comes to an end - and with it, the formal part of my medical school training. I've got a research month left in April, but that's more "looking toward residency/fellowship" than finishing up med school requirements. In a way, med school is over in 21 hours.

I think I have PTSD, or I've sniffed too much anesthesia gas second-hand this month. I'm already forgetting all the terrible stuff and just super excited to be at this point. So even though I'm nervous/slightly anxious about what March 15 will bring, I'm bright eyed and ready for whatever it is.

In the meantime, I'll embrace the fact that the fellow thinks I have a little "inner surgeon" and let my "inner pediatrician" that is exhausted come back out. 3:30 is not the appropriate time to get out of bed. I'm really glad my specialty choice defends this ;)

Do not alarm the makers of the tiny humans. They will eat you alive.

"This is not general surgery on a miniature scale. These are the tiny humans. These are children. They believe in magic. They play pretend. There is fairy dust in their IV bags. They hope, and they cross their fingers, and they make wishes, and that makes them more resilient than adults. They recover faster, survive worse. They believe."

Day 1: Peds Surgery.
 I realized rounding this morning that much of that quote is surrounding the 5C nurses station. Loved it!
This rotation so far is kinda fun. It's early mornings and long days, but rewarding. I feel like I'm going to get a pretty good bit out of it (if only when to consult/not to consult/who to talk to, etc). I'm gaining an appreciation for what happens in the OR and the stress the patient must be under after. For some reason, it's a lot more real on kids (probably because I like kids more, but I digress). Watching the NICU peanuts on the table all draped out, you can't tell they weigh 500 grams. Then the drapes come down, and you're faced with the reality that maybe, just maybe, this is why they didn't want to rush this kiddo to the OR. Of course I'm always going to find myself siding 80/20 with the neonatologists - but that 20% is going to be gleaned this month.

The surgeries can be more technically difficult due to the size, and at a few moments today I found myself thinking that Dr. W looked a lot like a vascular surgeon operating with the mag goggles on... lol. But alas, it was a whole baby under there.

Not only am I covering the NICU (and LOVING it), we were done for the day at 4:15ish and I'm off this weekend!

If only the next 27 days could go like today...

This. Is. It

ROL made and certified with no intentions of changes.

55 days til Match.

12 days til Peds Surgery.

At least the latter will keep me tired/busy/preoccupied.

Cooking experiment of the day: Cauliflower crust pizza. It was pretty yummy, even though it stuck to the aluminum foil :( Next time I'll try parchment paper like the recipe called for.

Excited to see my family tomorrow... and to have a long weekend. Need to finish my presentation for Tuesday... sounds like a good MLK project ;)

Match Countdown

January 10.

Last class meeting tomorrow.
ROL opens in 5 days.
Match is 64 days away.

I've picked a #1 and #2... not so much a 3-5. I've got one interview left if I can muster the energy to go.

In other news, I'm on Radiology elective this month. It's nice to be back in the hospital, albeit the basement. The best day so far was Tuesday - Peds. Shocker. I'm going to spend the last two weeks over there with the peds rads people. I'm learning a lot,but I'm verrrrry tired. Dark rooms and 8 computer screens at a time are not for me.

I've been doing a lot of house hunting as well.... talked to the bank and will likely put my offer in on something in mid-March (if I match at home). Otherwise, it'll be April/May as the house hunting will have to go on the road.

The holidays were quiet - I was sick with flu/pneumonia for most of the holiday season.I was grateful to have time off previously scheduled but it was depressing to miss the "last" family holidays for a while.

Wards, PER, M4cation and... interviews!

I knew I'd been terrible at updating but I didn't realize exactly HOW terrible. Sorry about that, y'all!

I finished up my time in the NICU and left unwillingly... did a month of Peds Wards, then a month of Peds ER shifts, and now I'm on "Review of Pharmacology" (also known as the start of M4cation). The premise of this month is to write a paper on some pharm topic as self-study and use the rest of the time to ... be an M4.

So far this month I've begun to clean out some shelves and storage areas in the house in preparation for moving (I'll get to that in a minute) and found a new love for cooking as well as renewed my love of baking. Currently, the second half batch of White chocolate pudding andes mint sugar cookies are on the cooling rack. Mmm.. Back to what I was saying..

Interviews also are now in full force! The process of waiting on them to come in and scheduling was a bit hectic, but it's all fun now. My interview at my home program was even more than I expected, with them continuing to rank near/at the top of my list. I've got about 5-6 more places to interview over the next two months and then the Match will be right around the corner... :/ I'm looking forward to knowing where I'll be starting my career so I can buy a house - this is a must! ElliKate and I have seriously outgrown our tiny apartment.

We got graduation proofs in our email the other day. All that regalia is just weird. AWESOME, but weird.

As is my life right now. AWESOME, but weird. 

Letting you go

"Today?" Mom asked. I reiterated. "Today". And then I helped pack you up in your little seat that looked way too big for you, in your real - healthy- baby clothes, and said congratulations. And you were gone. Such a happy, joyous time. And so scary.

What if you aren't ready? What if 4 lbs just isn't big enough for you to make it out there? What if you don't eat enough? (Sometimes you didn't eat for us). Will they know what to do when you don't cry? When you don't wet enough diapers? When they need to check your temperature? What's your oxygen saturation right now? And goodness - if all these thoughts are going through my head, how overwhelmed is your mommy?

But she will know. She always did. I held you for only a short time - I helped you get healthy enough to be one with her again. You never were mine, or ours. All those hours, feeds, diapers - they were all to get you to this point. So she will know. And you will know. Together, you will figure it out. Because when you strapped into that car seat in your big kid clothes, you were a normal baby. You no longer need continuous monitoring, our machines, or our assistance. You need your mommy, and she needs you.
Welcome home, little one. Thank you for teaching me about letting go.

Lately

It's been a whirlwind of activity around here lately - I forgot how much Medicine Wards sucked the life out of you. The hours are only slightly better than regular surgery... at least the work is more enjoyable. But I'm definitely counting down my last 8 days!

On the ERAS/Step/LOR front, we're getting there.  CK came back last week and I'm super happy with it. About half my LOR meetings have occurred, the rest are scheduled for August. ERAS is in progress.

ElliKate is growing like a weed - 6 lbs, 3 oz at our third shot appt. Final ones on the 31st. We've also lost four teeth in the last 24 hours. I practically had to make her mush for supper haha.