For once in my life, I'm speechless (a week of sorrow)

Yes, me. Speechless. I've been thinking I needed to update the blog for a while, but haven't had the right words. It's been a really not-fun week.

Last weekend, while on trauma call, I lost my great-grandmother. 89 beautiful, happy years. 26 years of memories of her by my side. And then she was gone. We knew it was coming as she's been ill for about the last three weeks.. and it was a very peaceful, happy, pain-free death. I still haven't completely processed it and don't know when I will. It's hard to be sad when you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that a person is happier and better off in heaven. Especially after leading a good, full life. But on the other hand - it's hard not to be when you miss someone. I missed the funeral Tuesday. First time in my life I've missed a funeral for a family member. I thought about asking off, but decided I didn't know where I'd want to be (with dad at the funeral or with mom at home) and I was too exhausted to figure it out. I decided to take today instead, when I could likely see them both in the same place.

Two days later, I got the news that one of my mom's corneal transplants had rejected and she'd be needed an emergency transplant. The following day - that the transplant had to be put on hold because there was bacteria in the cultures (and the eye has to be completely clean before the transplant). It puts her in a state of limbo and a lot of pain, neither of which I'm a fan of. We could use your prayers.

And yesterday, I witnessed one of the worst experiences of my medical career thus far. Surgery hasn't been for me from the beginning, but that solidified any thought I had of possibly thinking it was "ok for now". It's just too high risk and too alwaysstressful. To me there's a difference in a patient's life in your hands (over an antibiotic you prescribed) and a patient's life in your hands (because they're gutted open on an OR table). That, and if you guys didn't know before, I'm not a fan of adults.

This weekend I'm hoping to catch up on some sleep if I remember how, and break the funk to make it through another week or so without being completely miserable. At least it's almost time for the second half of the rotation - the only exciting thing about this is that it's the second half of the rotation. And the heavy lead I get to wear in the OR, which ups the chances of me passing out/throwing up/otherwise being kicked out :)

It is 34 days, 14 hours, 25 minutes, 40 seconds until the end of surgery. It cannot come a moment too soon.

"The future is never the way we imagined it"

After a weekend crammed full of love, family, and melting memories into something new and beautiful, I figured I should share.

Friday I got to thinking about old memories and the good times we "used to have" as a college group. While rocking my beautiful nephew to sleep, I decided that those memories are nothing compared to the ones we're making now. To have these people in my life - to have literally grown up with them... I'm amazed to see how much we're all the same and how much we've changed over the past eight years (wow... that's a long time). To see that little boy smile makes every sad moment melt away. To know how much he's changed my life and to stand in awe of how much he's changed his mommy and daddy. We're all very blessed. It is so comfortable coming home to my "new normal".

Saturday we made family rounds - which was an interesting experience. For the first time in my medical "career", EVERY person I met had to tell me about their problems. I literally worked harder at the "you should see your doctor" and "I'm not sure, I'll have to look that up" than I actually work any day on the wards. I realized that this is what my life will become... our family used to have nice, normal people conversations.... now it's all "bombard the future doctor". Surely that will improve with time (one can hope).
If not, it's wonderful to know that my non-med school friends still see me as a little crazy and more friend/less doctor.

After all, I'd much rather discuss 4 month old coos, horror movies, good ice cream, bad dates, sleepovers and new tv series than medicine 24/7/365.

Speaking of new tv series... Once Upon a Time in 40 minutes. Yay!

"There are days that make the sacrifices seem worthwhile. And then there are the days where everything feels like a sacrifice.."

The key to being successful is what we give up: sleep, friends, a normal life. We sacrifice it all for that one amazing moment, that moment when you can legally call yourself a doctor. There are days that make the sacrifices seem worthwhile. And then there are the days where everything feels like a sacrifice. And then there are the sacrifices that you can’t even figure out why you're making. - Meredith

Test block two is complete. On average, this one was a little more stressful than the last. I'm not sure if that's because of the way the material was arranged (lots of classes didn't overlap very well, so it was literally like studying five weeks of material for five different tests in five days), the way the tests were arranged (with the big ones spaced out MWF), or that I just didn't pace myself quite as well during the block - but as usual, M and I made it through together, and I'm fairly happy with the results.

Things I learned this week: 1) Getting news of any great magnitude - be it good or bad - is not conducive to productive studying. 2) I can't cram for anything except Micro... but I'm an awesome Micro crammer. 3) My best friend and M2 "other half of my brain" is pretty much amazing - and I'm beyond glad that God put us in each other's lives at just the right moment... definitely couldn't make it without her.

The weekend was lovely. Friday night, I went to Mistletoe Marketplace for the first time... so much fun. I see a new annual tradition headed my way! Saturday, Mommy came up and we went shopping (Mistletoe again... and some other places). Yesterday, just football and lots of relaxation... followed by Girls' Night, the Grey's Anatomy we missed Thursday (stupid test block).

There were grand master plans to go to school today, but those fell through when the bed was just waaaaay too comfy. And after looking at the schedule for tomorrow, I'm calling a repeat. Four day weekends? Anytime. Thanks med school. It's nice of you to "play nice" after last week. :)

An ice cube in each hand...

So it's been another great week or two in the world of relaxation. Still hard to believe that there's no reason to study, and just now beginning to not feel guilty about that. I haven't updated because, well, honestly, I haven't done much of anything. And that has been heaven!

I did spend a little time with the family post-vacation, and spent the past weekend with M and S (ok, S mainly, we made M find things to do so we could have girl time). Best friends are forever... its awesome how so much time can go by and nothing changes between us. We literally talked so much on Saturday that I was hoarse by bedtime. Good times. Growing up isn't all that bad when you have amazing people walking beside you for all the transitions :)

Also in that light, I had the opportunity to spend some amazing time with a special family member over the first week of break. Caught in the battle for his life, he still astonishes me with his perseverance and faith every day. Little story: he started a new chemo drug a couple weeks ago that is well known to cause cold intolerance. Upon leaving the doctor's office, he returned to work and went directly to the kitchen freezer. He grabbed an ice cube in each hand and held on. To some of you, this might seem silly... even crazy. After all, the doctor had just informed him that he may no longer be able to go to the frozen food section in the grocery store. For him, it was just another moment of strength and faith. Knowing that he wouldn't have the same reaction everyone else did. Knowing that every moment is a gift straight from God. In his hope and strength, I find my own. I cherish the days we have together and the lifetime of memories I look to pass on to my children and grandchildren.

Went home for a few days to make the doctor rounds: eyes, teeth, etc. Doctor appts are much more fun these days. I found myself unable to separate from the med school world during the eye doctor visit as I realized what he was doing with every test. Annoying sometimes, but super cool other times. I also managed to upgrade to an ACTUAL smartphone while I was home. After three years, I sent the Treo to the happy hunting ground. I am now the proud owner of a Droid... and what a difference three years of technology makes! This one walks the dog, takes out the trash, and goes to work for me. (Just kidding. I wish!!).

I've got a few more days before I head back to Jackson to begin the best summer job ever. I'm getting very excited. I couldn't have asked for a better mentor or position, and it's absolutely amazing to watch God's blessings come through in my life on a daily basis. He didn't ever say the journey would be easy, but He promised it would be worth it... and it is. Every single day.

Keep enjoying the free time and living life to the fullest, y'all. And get to your nearest theater for SATC2 today!!!!

Goodbye, spring break... Hello, neuro..

Today is the final day of a week of bliss and sleep. No, seriously, I stayed in bed until lunch just because I knew that things would be very different this time tomorrow. So let's take the week day by day:

Friday: finished up the board, relished in the fact that phys was (almost) over, spent the afternoon eating leftovers and watching Nanny McPhee with two of my favorite girls, said our goodbyes (a week feels like eternity when you basically spend ALL of your time with the same people), and packed a bit.

Saturday: Headed South. Got home, saw my parents, went to visit my friend A - we went shopping, eating, catching up. Found some peanut butter fudge with my name on it at a local gift shop... drool. I've never had it before, but I'll definitely have it again.

Sunday: Lazy day at home. Didn't do much of anything. Made plans for Monday, slept a lot, watched some tv.

Monday: Started off the day at good ole WCU. So much fun to see my old coworkers, catch up with everyone. It's funny how while some things change, others seem to stand still during the test of time. I'm grateful that some of my best friendships fit into that category. Had lunch with L, then went to visit K & B in Financial Aid and see if they had any more information on ObamaLoans than I did... yeah, not so much. But I got lots of gossip and caught up on everyone's lives, and that was fun. Then I waited impatiently for my sister to get off work and headed to her house as soon as I could. I miss her & M so much. We had a great dinner that M cooked for us - bacon-wrapped cheese & jalepeno stuffed grilled chicken. It was heaven. He is an amazing husband (and a pretty darn good brother in law). B came over to eat with us, and once again, catching up was great... more of those "friendships withstanding the test of time".

Tuesday: Headed South (yes, further south). Tax day. ALWAYS fun. Wasn't too bad actually, and I'm getting a nice refund. Got to see my puppies for the first time in a very long time, they were sooo excited. I was too :). Went to see my cousin on hospice, then went to dinner with the grandparents. OS is known as the town in MS with the most restaurants per-area. 106 to be exact. People in my hometown know how to eat. Starting with my grandparents, who might as well be food critics. I said seafood (I mean, who can go to the coast and NOT have seafood?) and they found the perfect place. I ended up with Creole Mahi Mahi.. drooool...

Wednesday: Went to visit my great grandmother at the assisted living home for a few hours. We had a really nice visit, it was great to catch up. Then I went to get my hair cut. I've been thinking/talking about doing Locks for Love for a really long time, but I figured it would be next year before my hair was ready. Recently, I realized it'd been getting really long really quick, so I had been thinking more seriously about it. Turns out, there's a local lady in our hometown who takes donations and makes wigs specifically for Mississippi kids. I told S to chop off that ponytail :) Not only is my cut a great change, and I really like it, but it was so rewarding doing something for the kids.

Thursday: Down day. Basically a repeat of Sunday.

Friday: Back to H'burg, Dad got new tires put on the car and I went to see Bounty Hunter with M & S. It was sooo funny (and you can never have too much sister bonding time). I finally did FAFSA and the rest of the financial aid stuff that's already "late", but M1 year kind of took precedence.

Saturday: Back to Jxn :(, cleaned house, groceries...

Sunday: Here we are. The end of a fairly unproductive, almost study-free week. Tonight we're going to get the girls together and give a last hoorah to Spring Break before neuro starts tomorrow. I can't help but be a little nervous about that... it's a lot of material, and only 8 weeks. However, God's always right there, and so are my girls! We're going to kick neuro butt. We also start psych... and being only a few classes short of a master's, that one doesn't bother me a bit ;)

Tomorrow we're having our PIG officer's meeting for next year, and PIG's bake sale/PIG roast events are kicked off in full force. I've got lots of baking to do this week. It's gonna be a busy one, but I'm ready.

M1 year - last round. Me vs. neuro/psych. I'm going to win. Just sayin.

By the grace of God, we've made it..

Biochem is OVER!! The board was basically insane, I expected no less. But I'm pretty sure that filling my name in on the answer sheet was enough for the grade I need to pull off a passing first semester, and for that I am grateful to God.

It's been an amazing journey so far. I've learned more about myself than I ever thought possible. I've laughed and cried - at the same time, and for two completely different reasons. I've come to realize exactly how little I know - and how much I've learned - in a few short months. And I've also acknowledged how quickly time is flying (Seven more semesters to MD? Wow).

In the midst of the first semester storm, I've made some absolutely AMAZING friends. I don't know what I'd do without y'all! Everyone promised me that it would happen, and it did, right when I needed it the most. We can lean on each other for support, lift each other up in times of need, and laugh all night until our stomachs hurt. Thanks M, N, RA, K, D, J, & P (and anyone I forgot!!) for the kind thoughts, smiles, and "you can do it"s just when I thought I couldn't any more. It will be my honor to refer patients to each and every one of you in the future.

And on that note, it's time to pack and start celebrating! It's going to be the hap-hap-happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby danced with Danny f'in Kay! :) I'm coming home, S, A, L(2) mom & dad!!!!

I'm coming home.. to the place where I belong...

It's the night before the final "regular" biochem test, and instead of studying, I find myself completely distracted. Tomorrow marks the first time I've gone home since the semester started... And it's a funny feeling. I'm incredibly excited to see family and friends that I haven't seen in WAY too long, and to celebrate Thanksgiving... but then again, school is looming. Comprehensive finals and boards are right around the corner. There's not enough time to do it all, and what am I doing? That's right. I'm taking a few days off.

I'll probably regret it later, but I'll regret it sooner if I lose my sanity before the final stretch even begins. At some point over the weekend, I'll resume studying. I'll wait as long as possible. I'll probably almost lose my mind next week. But some things just can't be replaced. The joy of the holiday season with family, after being away for so long thus far and going through so much, is one of those things. I don't think anyone can truly understand unless you've been here. And this isn't a "down on med school" post. More just "I'm tired. I'm really tired." I'm ready for a REAL break. Not this time when you're supposed to be enjoying life and professors are screaming out the back door "don't forget to pack the skull!" - Ok, maybe they didn't exactly say that... but that's the point.

And my point? I really don't think I had one tonight. Just was looking for something else to do besides study. Anything else. Because I just don't know how much more I can take. Lord, bring lunchtime tomorrow quickly!!!

The continuation of a summer of nothing...

This week, I got back to town and then went to M & S's (brother-in-law and sister) for a few days. S and I had a wonderful time - M is out of town with the youth on a Fuge trip, so we got to spend three days living like we were in college again. I miss them already and haven't even moved yet.. right now, I'm only about 20 minutes from her at any given time..

I'm sad that I keep missing pre-orientation fun (Free Clinic orientation, Habitat stuff, etc)... different members of the class are really starting to bond and it sucks that I'm not able to be there much yet. Oh well, I suppose there'll be plenty of time for bonding come August 4th as we spend the next 4+ years together.

Hopefully I'll have time the second half of July to squeeze in a little mentoring time with my buddy and get together with K... and maybe J + D as well. Then it'll be off to the races.

Tomorrow I'm going to eat with my friend A and we may do some shopping/looking. After I sleep in of course - my sister is a notorious early riser, which means I've kept her up late and she's gotten me up early since Wednesday!

Prayer requests: As usual, all the babies fighting for life in the NICU at FGH (that unit has such a special place in my heart); my brother in law and the youth at Fuge, continued help with goodbyes and anxieties about relocating, and a few unspokens. Thanks guys! :)

Family

I have the most amazing, quirky, crazy, supportive, and loving family support network ever. The party was fun and it was wonderful to see everyone.

Dr. F came and brought me his personal copy of "On Doctoring" from his white coat ceremony. That was so neat to me - he wrote a note in it and made sure to give me some extra heartfelt advice even in the midst of the party. There have been several doctors I've shadowed that really helped me along, but he's probably the one that meant the most - that I was the closest to. Even though I'm not necessarily planning on staying in his specialty, I learned oh so much from him. And age wise, he's the youngest I shadowed so it was easier to relate to him...

Several heartfelt cards, and a book that I intend to read every word of. I can't wait to be that mentor for another young medical student, when I pass on my copy of "On Doctoring" to a new generation.