saying goodbye

I went into this weekend with excitement. It was the first two days I've had off in a row this month, and I was looking forward to resting and rejuvenating my soul to prepare for the rest of internal med.

And then, as quickly as the excitement began, my stomach dropped when I found out that my first patient passed away yesterday. How do you deal with a loss you aren't prepared for? Funny thing is, I maybe should've been... but I'm too glass half full for that. I can see why some people become jaded, it might be easier that way.

But I'd rather spend a few moments crying and reflecting on how this moment - and this person - changed my life. Yesterday morning, we spent several moments talking about the future - how the patient wanted to get better, to figure out what was really going on, to watch their high schoolers grow into men. A perfectly normal conversation you might have with your neighbor over your own breakfast. Just another day. Feeling well, but watchfully waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Then it did. And she was gone.