cartoons and codes

This morning, one of our patients just didn't look right. Any physician you talk to will tell you that through clinical experience you'll learn that no matter what the numbers say, your gut will tell you when something is wrong. My gut was screaming as we looked in. Within thirty minutes of the workup, we heard "Code Blue.... X unit" overhead. No matter what the rest of the announcement said - M and I looked at each other and our stomachs dropped as we headed off in that direction. About ten minutes into the code, I looked up through the chaos towards the television that was set on Cartoon Network. I fully realize that with the specialty I've most likely chosen, most - if not all - of the codes I attend as a physician have the likelihood of having cartoon network in the background. And that shook me to the core. It got me thinking about how often life isn't fair, and how sometimes things just don't seem right. For an hour or so, I wished I'd become hardened so these type of events would be easier on me. The rest of the day, I prayed I never will.

The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. His will be mine. Thank you, Lord, for allowing me the opportunity to take care of your sons and daughters during their time here. Help my heart never harden to their suffering, help me always see things through your eyes - but grow me into the doctor I know I can be even on the most challenging days.

saying goodbye

I went into this weekend with excitement. It was the first two days I've had off in a row this month, and I was looking forward to resting and rejuvenating my soul to prepare for the rest of internal med.

And then, as quickly as the excitement began, my stomach dropped when I found out that my first patient passed away yesterday. How do you deal with a loss you aren't prepared for? Funny thing is, I maybe should've been... but I'm too glass half full for that. I can see why some people become jaded, it might be easier that way.

But I'd rather spend a few moments crying and reflecting on how this moment - and this person - changed my life. Yesterday morning, we spent several moments talking about the future - how the patient wanted to get better, to figure out what was really going on, to watch their high schoolers grow into men. A perfectly normal conversation you might have with your neighbor over your own breakfast. Just another day. Feeling well, but watchfully waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Then it did. And she was gone.

What I don't want to do with my life...

Now that VA-Internal Medicine is officially over, I can speak my piece about it. I. Hate. It. HATE. It wasn't my attendings, it wasn't my residents, it wasn't the patients...In fact, all those people were amazing. Especially my interns. I'm just not a fan of internal medicine (thus far).

Right now, I'm leaving that hatred at the VA, as I'm about to start a month of House Med with my best friend at the U, and I'm thinking I should enjoy that more :)

However, so far... it looks like there's something I can put in the "never ever do I want to do this in my entire life" list. Which is good. Lots of experience, possible paper write ups, things I hope to never see again but everyone else may or may not be jealous of (like a serum K of 15.5, a pt with lycanthropy..).

The VA.... it's a special place. God bless those who serve our country, and God bless those who've chosen to care for them. We owe you all.

"Every patient, every symptom, every operation...is a test. A chance for us to demonstrate how much we know. And how much more we have to learn."

This blog entry brings with it the end of OB/GYN. I've decided to write down a few of the highlights for later in the year when I'm trying to decide "deliver babies or take care of babies?"

Pros: Delivering babies, duh. Watching babies on the monitor. Helping mommies have healthy pregnancies. Turning not so healthy pregnancies into good deliveries. Turning not so good deliveries into the best situations possible. The residents (ah-mazing). The experiences (saw lots of things I'm sure I'll never see again). Surgery....?

Cons: GynOnc (onc is just so depressing...). The HOURS (and it's 10000x worse for the interns than the students... wasn't unusual for them to get there at 4 and leave at 8 that night). It's a tough, tough residency. I always knew it was hardcore, but I wasn't quite aware of HOW hardcore.

The Board: Meh. Not as bad as I expected.
CSA: Terrifying. But they'll get better as the year goes along I hear.

In other minute news, that fourletterword came back. And I'm pleased to report that I'm officially officially an M3 now :)

Becoming Aunt Meg

In a twist from general med school reporting, I'd like to update the blogging community on my newest hobby - spoiling my nephew, who arrived July 1st. He's absolutely the most adorable man I've ever laid eyes on.... I had no idea I could fall in love so fast.

A little of his birth story... my sister went to be induced Thurs night. As of Fri morning, the progress she was making didn't look like we were headed in a good direction - so my wonderful GYN residents told me to go home and be there for his almost-sealed C-section fate. By the time I made it home, he'd decided that maybe labor wasn't all that bad, as long as mom laid on one side in one position. She progressed fast and after a complicated/difficult delivery baby made his entrance into the world, changing our lives forever.

Congratulations to the two most wonderful new parents I know. I was blessed to be a part of labor and delivery, and grateful to be the proudest aunt in the world. :)

baby-catching

M3 year is a completely new, fascinating world. I'm glad I started on OB/GYN... I truly love it. Not that I'm surprised, I always figured it'd be my second choice behind peds. However, I'm putting a lot more thought into that than I ever imagined. I have one more week on the OB side, then I'll be on GYN... after that, I'll be able to make a rational decision as to my overall experience. But so far:
*GREAT small group (C, S, and S are fantastic partners and we work really well together)
*awesome interns
*surgery isn't as bad as I expected... never passed out, and I'm getting more used to the OR. Granted so far I've been on C-sections (but a couple of them were quite complicated).
*enough autonomy to make you feel like you're doing something, enough supervision to make you feel like you're not going to screw up
*baby-catching is AMAZING. Shocker, right?
*there's this emergency feel to L&D.. it's either super slow or crazy busy.

I don't think I'd do so well in small, "happy" (normal) practice... but I LOVE the critical care aspect of our population. OB/GYN with a Maternal Fetal Medicine fellowship is certainly not out of the question.

Tonight we switch to night schedule, which should be an interesting chain of events. I'm not sure how my body will handle the adjustment, but hopefully there'll be just enough activity to keep us awake. Plus side to nights: no lectures!!

#1 - "Please stand clear of the doors...Por favor mantenganse alejado de las puertas..." - Narrator, Monorail

I'm still alive - and it's been so long, that I'm not really sure where to start. Second year wasn't very blog-worthy on a day to day basis, and the not so fun stuff just wasn't worth sharing. But the good and the bad are both memories now.

I'm one STEP (USMLE Step 1) closer to licensing. Finals, the lead up and incessant studying, as well as the test itself - it's all still kind of a blur. And maybe it's supposed to be that way. I did what I could do, and I'm trusting God with the results.

On to more fun things, like Mickey Mouse. As I type I'm staring at a half-full "European" size suitcase (you know, the kind you take when you go to Europe for a month?). I haven't been on a real vacation in so long that I sort of forgot how to pack. Who am I kidding, I've always overpacked. We're (Me, M and N) are leaving for Disney World tomorrow. I'm looking forward to lots of good food, good friends and finding all the magic that's dribbled out of my life for the last couple of years.

Let's get this celebration/girls' trip started!!!

PS: Who's an M3? I'm an M3!