"The key to surviving ... is denial. We deny that we're tired, we deny that we're scared, we deny how badly we want to succeed..

"The key to surviving ... is denial. We deny that we're tired, we deny that we're scared, we deny how badly we want to succeed.. And most importantly, we deny that we're in denial."

Pretty good quote for the week. It seems as though life in general has been a big basket of denial for me lately. Denial that second year is in full swing, denial that the weeks are starting to fly by, denying the inevitables that are coming both in the next month and in the next 9 months. But sometimes, you just can't deny any longer.

In a moment of weakness Wednesday night, I purchased nine months of access to USMLERx, my first question bank for the *gulp* fourletterword. School buys the great bank (WORLD) for us, and we can start it whenever, but i've heard such good things about it that I want to save it for closer to actual test time. The fourletterword is also spoken continuously at school. The M3's came to give us advice, Doctors In Training came to sell their products... and it's just week two. Which leaves me wondering just exactly how psycho our "super gunner class" will be come spring semester. I can't deny (although I'd like to) that there's a bit of fear associated with the fourletterword, but it's going to be just fine. I'm going to pace myself and learn the material as I can this year, study FA along with my review books for class tests, do question blocks that match the material we're learning in class, and try my best to keep God first and NOT freak myself out. Because like my sister told me Wednesday night, He already knows exactly what I need and exactly what I'm going to make. There's a peace in that. It's still a big fourletterword in my life, and will be a major player in the next nine months. But I've got some amazing friends to keep me grounds, and M walking the coals alongside me.

Had a great lunch with a NICU friend today. Nice to be able to gush about the babies and be not only loved in spite of it or for it, but to be completely and utterly understood. YAY NICU team. I hope she's my nurse someday :)

The first PIG meeting is next week, and I'm pretty excited. I'm hoping we have a good turnout - but we always do :). There are some exciting things in the works for the club this year... so all the future pediatricians, please come out and hear what we've got up our sleeves!

I'm beyond grateful for a weekend. I'm at the tired enough to be almost sick point, and hoping some extra rest takes care of that. It's going to be a busy week. I think I've got something going on Wednesday night that I can't remember right now... Thurs is Pig and Thurs night the Three Muskateers are going to a painting class (stay tuned for info on how the non-creative babydoc did during said experience).

In wrap up, the class week was fairly boring. I'm still going to class, along with 20-30 other people. It's not that I get more out of being there, it's just I'm afraid i'd sleep too late if I stayed home and therefore wouldn't be as productive. We'll see how long this lasts... I'm giving it my best shot. Oh, and immunology needs to die. It sucks. It's boring, and there's just nothing anybody can do to change that.... except perhaps Clinical Immunology Made Rediculously Simple, which is sitting out on the porch in its box from UPS. That's how excited I've been about studying tonight. I think I'll just let it stay there a while.

Back to the Saints game and overall veg-out-til-I-feel-better.

Meredith: "I can't think of a single reason why I should be a doctor, but I can think of a thousand reasons why I should quit..."

Meredith: [voiceover] "I can't think of a single reason why I should be a doctor, but I can think of a thousand reasons why I should quit. They make it hard on purpose. There are lives in our hands. There comes a moment when it's more than just a game, and you either take that step forward or turn around and walk away. I could quit but here's the thing, I love the playing field."

That quote definitely sums up our lives in general and the first week of M2 year. I've been pleasantly surprised at the overall progression of the week - not that I love every class, but that, in general, the material is much more clinically oriented. That makes it much more relevant and easier for me to bring myself to study. On a case by case basis:

ICM - I can see how some people say this class is too easy and gets blown off, but I really, really like it. However, I really, really, really like clinical medicine. Not the books. The first two years have always just been a "learn all I can to be the best physician I can"... not a "I want an A in every class because I love studying and study 20 hours a day and deserve it". Worst part about this one? It's always (so far) at 8:00AM, but so is grown-up life, so I'll get over it.

Genetics - Continuation of last year. I like genetics - it's very NICU related. I've seen most of the things we talk about in class in clinic or in the unit, and it's super cool to get to put them together.

Path - So far, so good. This one's heavily clinically relevant as well. The material isn't fun, and next week should be a REAL treat (I've heard scary things abt immunopath), but it's still a good class. Lab & small group today were easy easy... and very informative.

Micro - So far, this is the one I loathe the most. I loved micro in undergrad, but so far, we haven't talked about one real pathogen. It's all immunology - BLAH. Bring on the bugs already!!! There was also one real interesting rabbit-chasing prof so far, and that's always fun.

Pharm - Ick. It's biochem on steroids so far. We haven't learned any drugs yet - except Ibuprofen... Yup.

In other news, I went to the NICU yesterday to get some baby love. I also went to M & M - which was really interesting, considering I had been in the unit when the case came in. M & M was a combo of genetics and path so very useful.
Tomorrow is the NICU reunion and my quarter-life crisis. However, with these friends and family beside me, I'm excited to start the BEST quarter of it next ;)

"We enter the world alone and we leave it alone. And everything that happens in between, we owe it to our self to find a little company" - Meredith

I thought that Grey's quote was appropriate for the last couple of days.... as I've been "reconnecting" with my medical school life (minus the school part).

Yesterday, M and I went shopping and followed it up with a Grey's Anatomy marathon. It's funny to watch what LITERALLY seems like ourselves played out in Meredith & Christina. Gave lots of laughs and lots of girl time - both of which were desperately needed.

Today, I met with my buddies... both my M3 buddy and my M1 buddy. It's kind of weird (and nice!) to be sandwiched in now, but parts of me are thinking "when did I get enough authority to give anybody advice?" Hopefully I'll be able to be half of the M2 buddy that mine has been - I really couldn't have asked for a better mentor along the way. Seemed like everytime I was falling apart, she just happened to be in the right place at the right time. And catching up today, I've realized that we will be lifelong friends.... which leads me to the real reason for this post.

It's hard to believe that it's been a year already... a full year in the bank. I remember meeting C (my M3 buddy) when I was the brand-new M1 and she was an M2... and I remember other older med students giving me advice. My mom mentioned something similar as she's been in the healthcare field for 25+ years . One piece of advice in particular stuck out from everyone... "you'll make friends here that you'll never forget. When you stand over a cadaver for the first time, when you see the inside of a body... when you take care of your first patient, when you LOSE your first patient... people who aren't here can't understand that. The people who ARE here will give you strength."

And boy, is that true! You draw on each other, cry with each other, laugh with each other... and in the end, you grow - as friends, as individuals, and as doctors-in-training. It's a privilege to walk beside these people I humbly am blessed to call my friends here, and cannot wait to call on them as colleagues. As we begin a new year, with new friends and new places to be (and undoubtedly many new challenges), I find myself much less afraid of what it brings - because I know we're all in this together.

So best of luck to the M4's as they finish up ERAS, M3's as they get the hang of rotations, us as we prepare to finish our classroom lives and STEP, and the M1's as they join us on this journey. It's going to be an AMAZING year. I can't wait to get started :)

(By the way, first PIG meeting Sept 2: BE THERE!!!)

M2 excitement/terror

The last week of summer has arrived, and with it, anxiety and excitement at beginning M2 year. I'm determined to make this one better than the last - I think the schedule will have a lot to do with making that happen. And there'll be lots of PIG fun as well. But looming over everything is that great big nasty four letter word that will take over my holidays and summer - STEP.

I had full intentions of studying/reviewing a LOT this summer. Thankfully, my summer job was way too fun and I just didn't have time. I may kick myself in May, but for now I think that was a good thing. I'm not burned out already - I've got a little bit of initiative (not much) going into next week.

Thank God for amazing friends and people who understand this brain war when no one else does. It's a masochistic kind of excitement... no one in their right mind would want another year of this. Good news - none of us are in our right minds.

Happy new school year, everyone!