Goodbye, Sophia...

I thought about saving this post for tomorrow night, post-memorial, but decided to share the feelings I have currently before they're forgotten. In med school, feelings, emotions, and thoughts are often fleeting.... so I'd like to take a moment to reflect on exactly what tomorrow means for me in particular, in a letter to Sophia.

Dear Sophia,
What a blessing it is to finally have an opportunity to tell your family how very much you meant to me. You see, it was you who made med school real in mid-August, as P and I stood together, took a deep breath, and met you for the first time. We named you then. In three months, I discovered more about you than most people ever knew. There were surprises everywhere, God's footprints. Although the class was sometimes a struggle, and lab time seemed a "waste of time" when there was none to be wasted, it was you who ultimately pulled things together for me. Every patient I see, every life I touch, will be because you first allowed me to touch yours. When I didn't know the difference between a #21 blade and a #22 blade, you'd already decided that it didn't matter, and you'd allow me - and my classmates - to learn how to be doctors, on you. I will always be more grateful than I could express. I simply hope that tomorrow, with your family among us, that they'll catch my eye and realize that gratitude.

You understand, Sophia, that you'll never leave me? Some things just change a person forever, and you did that for me. You were the beginning of medical school, the defining moment. And tomorrow, we'll ultimately close chapter one, save for a couple of weeks. For me, it's already over. The memorial service comes at a perfect time. It's fitting to tell you goodbye now, after a long year together. Thank you for a gift greater than any I could have ever dreamed of. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Love,
A Very Grateful M1

Praise God from whom all blessings flow..

The mother of all test blocks is over. I didn't know how I'd survive 6 in one day, but I did. Just barely, at times. There were moments I thought would bring tears - specifically between the practical and written in neuro. It was THE worst practical I've ever taken in my life - because it wasn't really a practical. It was more of a "here's a structure.... think about what it does... think about the cell bodies of origin... now answer some obscure question 1o steps removed from all of this in one minute and thirty seconds". But it's over!!!!!!!!!!! And tonight is SOOO fun. Lots of weekend-ish ness.

Histology is over for good. Today was the last of those, and I would like to open up the balcony door and shout very loudly. Here's a toast - to the end of Histology, the longest and most annoying class in the history of medical school.

Time to go back to playing and rejecting all reality until 1 pm tomorrow when I have to suit up and show up for case study.

Is it summer yet? Sure feels like it..

Missed my weekly update - and although I don't really have time to sit down and write out everything this week, I figured I should, for the sake of keeping things in order, at least make a few notes...

Weekend: Useless. Was supposed to be having fun with the girls, instead, fought off a stomach bug
This week: Study central. Six tests next Monday. You read that correctly, SIX. Now granted some of them are tiny in weight, but it's still six. A number nightmare. And another reason why I can't hang out here long....

In other news, L is making small steps to recovery every day. For this, I thank God. Lord, hold us close as we struggle to find the energy and will to continue, to push through and make it past this last HUGE test block. Get us to next Monday night... there, I will find fun and relaxation.

It was just another week... and then..

Another Monday through Friday. Test grades for Monday came back and the results were: survived. Some days, that's all that matters. Each day came with its own challenges, its own things to study and learn (and I did less of both of those than I should have this week).

As usual, I tried to find a little time this weekend to have fun. Friday night it was in the way of "Bounty Hunter" with N and A and a sleepover at M's. It's always fun when the girls get together to hang out non-school related. Yesterday I came home, studied a bit, then met C and Z after her MCAT at Sal & Mookie's for dinner. She needed some down time, and there's nothing that amazing ice cream and pizza can't fix... even MCAT. I remember those days like it was just yesterday, and it's still something I wouldn't wish on an enemy, much less a friend. I'm sure she did great though :)

It was just another week, and then...

This afternoon, I was informed that a fellow M1, a classmate and friend of mine, had been involved in a serious accident and is currently in the ICU. Suddenly, the things that seemed so important, so life-altering, changed in the blink of an eye. Sometimes it feels like I go through the day to day, dreaming of what tomorrow will bring... always waiting on something to end, waiting on the next "good thing" to start. I realized the magnitude of living in the day, how important it is to enjoy the journey.

Tonight, please join me in praying for L and his family. That His ultimate healing would bring glory to God. That even in this horrific accident, we could find God's grace. That may we could learn to enjoy the journey... even of being a lowly first year medical student... just a little more, complain a little less, and appreciate each day. That tomorrow, when I put my feet on the floor, I'll be determined to take every moment and soak it up as if things were to change the next instant. Because no matter how invincible we may feel on a daily basis, we never know when things may change.

I'm blessed to know that even in these uncertain, stressful, and life-altering times, God is in control of my life, L's, and yours. God bless!

When everyone said it couldn't be done... ducks fly together!

Well it's been quite a week since the last update. The beginning of the week was lots of neuro class and lab filled with overall freak-out/gunner mode to try to get a grasp on some of the material... still not sure how that worked out, but I've definitely decided I don't study well on my own.

Let's see, the PIG roast was Thursday night and went very well. Our turnout was double last year. I think we hit the nail on the head with Sal & Mookie's. The officers from this year and next year worked together pretty well (I think) and I am looking forward to a great year in PIG with my team!!

Friday was an interesting/stressful day. Friday morning we had our first patient "history/interview taking". And yes, it was a psych patient. An inpatient from the psych unit. Made for a.. difficult history taking to learn on. One would think that we could our first history on a mock patient, each other, or a regular internal medicine patient. Instead, we sifted through both history taking and psychiatrics at once. Thankfully, the six years of psych undergrad/grad school helped me be more comfortable around the population, but it was still quite a shocker introduction to "clinical medicine".

After the psychiatric interviews, M & I went to the nursing home to see "our patient" who was in somewhat depressive/psychiatric crisis of her own. It was heartbreaking to see her hurting. Definitely a tough day on the "clinical" side of M1. And I say "clinical" with a grain of salt, because we really don't get any clinical experience of note this year.

Friday night was study and relax time and the rest of the weekend was hard core preparation for the hell that was today: In essence, five tests in one. Psychiatry, Histology (Written & Practical), and Neuro (Written & Practical). It was our first tests in psych and neuro so of course those were stressful. And neuro wasn't a piece of cake. However, like all bad (or good, I suppose) test days, things turned around quickly with the right food, right movies (Mighty Ducks & D2), and best friends a girl could ask for.

Thanks God, for making this Easter one to remember. Amidst my complaining, whining, and utter confusion, you managed to show grace beyond measure, as always. Thank you for reminding me of the best gift of all - your Son. Thank you for giving me the call to do Your work in this world, keep me under Your wings, and be with us as we finish the last 5 weeks and 4 days of M1 year!!