I just realized it's been a significant amount of time since I've posted. Not that residency is boring - quite the contrary - I just haven't felt the energy to de-sensitize information enough to let you all in. Until I realized I'm depriving you of the tough stuff, the God stuff, the everyday stuff.
So if you're not in for a pretty long and somewhat depressing post involving lots of talk about dying and death, you may want to turn around now. But if you're up for it, let me show you how God is working in my life and the life of those around me.
I'm not sure if we've been experiencing more death than usual in our little world at the Children's Hospital, or if I'm just more aware of it since the death of my Mama. It seems like everywhere I've turned the last few months we've had to say goodbye to another innocent fighter gone too soon. And maybe it's just that I've been at children's long enough to know the regulars - The kids that fight harder than anyone you've ever met - taking countless breathing treatments today and praying for one more breath, filling their veins with poisonous chemicals and throwing their guts up, fighting rare diseases that even we as doctors don't understand.. But ultimately, they're healing always comes. When it's an earthly healing we rejoice with happy tears, ringing bells, celebrating with cakes and cookies and huge high fives, and watching these kids grow into adults with children of their own.
Sometimes, against all odds, they truly win. But the truth is – God always does. There's so much healing that we can't say. When we struggle on earth and sob that we lost another baby, when we cry with parents or hold it together until we get to the dark corners in the back storage rooms and let it all fall apart, God wins. These babies don't struggle anymore. There are no more medicines. There are no more gasps for air. there are no more tumors. There are no more questions… Only God's answer. God's answer but he will always provide for our babies. God's answer that they were his first and I will be his forever. Gods hope and provision that we will see them again in their whole, healthy, happy states.
And in the in between times, while they struggle they teach us so much. I can't lie and say I haven't questioned why someone with a whole life ahead of them has to go to heaven before they learn to ride a bicycle, or even write their name. But the truth is, for those of us who are believers, we know we are only here for a purpose. The purpose that some children can have in the light they can shine in just a few days is absolutely astonishing. The grown men and women who are brought to their knees to worship our Father, cry out to him, many for the first time in their lives because of the daily miracles in our baby's struggles. What a blessing to be there for the good days… But even more what a blessing to be there for the bad. You see, sometimes the things you can't change and up changing you. I know every day another kiddo shows more resilient than I'll ever had in my entire life. They are the winners. They are God's army. They are the hands and feet, the light. They minister without asking, without abandon, without question. They do it because it's all they know to do. Let us all be like the little children. Let us find grace in our struggles. Let us hold each other up instead of tear each other down. In a world filled with so much uncertainty, it is my daily hope and expectation that all the children I've come to love will meet me at Heaven's Gate. I absolutely cannot wait for the reunion.
